Dealing With Political Confrontations During the Holidays
Dealing with political confrontations during the holidays is a perennial issue for a lot of folks. Cousin Eddie inevitably shouts, "Well, how about that election?" I cannot think of a bigger elephant in the room during your next family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner than recent political events. If it was a local election regarding a couple of bond measures, no problem. But this last presidential election was labeled “the biggest, most influential election in our lifetime”.
Each polarized political party drew their line in the sand over a year ago in anticipation of the outcome of this last election. It was a definitive “win/lose” proposition; “The thrill of victory, or the agony of defeat”. Both sides wanted badly to win, and one side also invested half their energy into the other party losing. There was no expectation of shaking hands and grabbing a beer afterwards.
Confrontations During the Holidays
The age-old advice of avoiding the subjects of religion, politics, or sex at a social gathering is wise advice, but sometimes you cannot avoid someone else bringing it up. My advice in those scenarios, as well as most people you may come in contact with, including strangers, acquaintances, work associates, and rude or opinionated relatives, is to exercise diplomacy, and or detachment. I find that, in most cases, if I am speaking with someone who demonstrates little or no respect for me, or any curiosity about what I have to say, it is less than a waste of time to attempt to explain anything to them. Don’t take the bait, and in some cases, you may need to assert yourself if they don’t take the hint you do not wish to talk about politics. Worse case scenario, vote with your feet and remove yourself from their presence.
Most people seem to be primarily worried about their closest family members, especially spouses and children, who may vehemently disagree with your political views and who you voted for president. Let’s start with spouses. I often find in working with couples that they generally get stuck attempting to work out a conflict where they completely disagree on an important topic or decision. Many couples can go to Defcon 1 over minor issues, so you can imagine how they might approach a major disagreement which also attaches to some of their core values and beliefs.
Establish Your Working Base of Thought
The first step I take with the couple is to help them establish a “working platform”, in other words, to establish a stipulated premise of the nature of their relationship. Assuming they are in a calm state, and they have learned how to calm down, I question them about the nature of their relationship and have them articulate their answers to each other. I ask them, “do you love each other, do you want to be heard, do you want to understand your spouse, and are you a team”? I help them understand that defensiveness is an automatic reaction we all experience in the advent of a conflict, and that we can lose sight of who we are talking with, and that the discussion can quickly become adversarial. Once the other party becomes the enemy, there will not be a constructive or positive outcome to the discussion. In a calm state, and reestablishing their love and respect for each other, they are now ready to proceed.
Moving on From There...
I then discuss with them some of the general premises in communication and relationships, such as, “the only thing we have control over is ourselves, our ability to listen to, and understand the other.” Even St. Francis understood this premise when he stated “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand”. In most conflicts, our instinct is to move toward decision first and/or to fix the problem. Our first goal needs to be mutual understanding and actively listening to each other. Our natural wish of course, is that the other listen to and understand us first, and then be convinced by our intelligence. We all remember how often that wish has come true.
Next, utilizing a “Solution-focused” paradigm, I teach them about the importance of “planning with the end in mind” in most major conflicts and goals. I ask them “When you finish this discussion, what would you hope the outcome would be”? If the couple have sufficient maturity, they usually can agree that a goal of greater mutual understanding and respect is a very achievable goal. The couple will also usually experience that their previous polarity on the subject has diminished from the point they began the “discussion”.
Pass the Potatoes, Please
This approach to dealing with political confrontations during the holidays can be carried out with just about any loved one and any conflict, given a minimal amount of maturity, friendship and mutual respect. I believe you will generally find that if you consistently convey through your communication, verbal and nonverbal, that your love and relationship with the other is more important than any subject or conflict, you will be more likely to experience a loved one increasingly willing to reciprocate.
May you and your loved ones experience a very grateful Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and then a Happier New Year.
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About the Author
Rick is a Marriage and Family Therapist who has been in practice for over 45 years. Along with his clinical experience, he taught for 28 years and consulted with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences in designing and conducting the State Board Exams for the MFT license. Rick lives in San Clemente, California with his wife, and enjoys gardening, surfing, writing and teaching springboard diving classes.
